I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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