by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
