Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
