dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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