i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
