I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you never un-have a 4some
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