had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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