True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize