do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He shit in the fireplace
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
