I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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