also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
