Moan for me like Helen Keller
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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