My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
