Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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