**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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