i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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