Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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