I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize