I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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