i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
