his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
