based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
