I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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