i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize