i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
