i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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