Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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