mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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