then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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