Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
