I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got inside last night via doggy door
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize