I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
