His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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