Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
