My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
