I wish my penis had an off switch
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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