i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
