I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
