I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
