The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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