Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
