I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
