I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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