There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
