Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
