I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
