He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
