His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
