dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
