thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize