Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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