My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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