She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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