we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
