dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
