Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
