Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
