i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
