Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
