I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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