i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
